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Why is it...

That writing about the negative seems so much easier than writing about the positive?

I went through my journal recently, and discovered a plethora of terribly sad entries. If a person were to read these private gems, they would have nothing to assume but that I was in a terrible relationship and that my life was a constant struggle.

The fact is, in between each of these entries, my life is going fantastically well, and I fail to write about my joy so much as my sorrow.

This is a sad thing and I think I'll end that pattern now.

Things are wonderful for me. Stressful, hectic and amazing. I am in school full time, and my first BIG paper is coming due in a few weeks. 12 pages, which I keep telling myself is only 6 pages since its double spaced. Hey, it makes it easier to handle if I delude myself. LOL

My man is wonderful, bright, nurturing, supportive, and feral. I adore him with all of my heart. My room mates are lovely, helpful and smart. Creative and fun to be around. My mom is much better now and her health is stabilized. My son is a peach. A wild crazy energetic bundle of peachy insanity.
My daughter....not so much. I hope she will pull out of her skyrocket to insanity, but i do fear for her. I have let it go. There is nothing more I can do to help her, and so my focus is on the rest of my family and myself. She knows where to come if she wants help.

It feels really great to have one true friend.
I would like to find one more.

Things are good. I have a car again, which makes life a bit easier, and its paid for in full. Its a little sketchy, needs some tlc, but it is fine for around town at least.

The barbershop is going well. 80% repeat business, 20% new clients. Growth is good.
I have some friends that I am missing...would love to see you again and give you a hug for all of my nonsense...

You know who you are. I hope you are well.
on DeviantArt, there is a very talented artist who goes by Ali-Chan-Otaku.
7 months ago, my friend, Chu-Tener paid $40 dollars for a commission that was to be sent both electronically, AND via snail mail. She paid for original art. Tangible Art on paper.
She got the digital version, quite late, and though its been 7 months, and promises of sending are broken over and over, and excuses are made...Ali only has a room mate and she doesnt drive so she cant possibly get to the post office.....etc...bullshit bullshit bullshit.

Here are the conversations, in their entirety. Do not buy art from this woman, unless you don't care about not getting it.

This makes me very sad to do.
:iconali-chan-otaku: is one of my favorite artists on DA. Her work is beautiful, and shes got incredible talent.

She also lies to people.
My friend, sent her 40 for a commission that was due last august. Still nothing. Now, the sick thing is, the art has been done...its just never been sent. My friend is not made of money, and was so excited about this piece. You would think, that the very least ali could do, would be to send the damn art. Here is the conversation so far, that we have had regarding the issue:

I wrote:
since you lock the post so no one else can see that you are ripping people off, I will keep reposting the entire conversation over and over again, until she receives the art that she paid you for.

Hey, my friend Chu-tener sent you 40 bucks back in august for a commission, that was never sent. Any idea when you might get around to sending it? I know its done, because we saw the post...but for 40 bucks, you really need to send the thing out like you said you would. We totally understand that things get hectic and life happens, but this is really about as long as she should have to wait. Thanks

to which you replied:
awww im sorry, but why are you saying this instead of her? you know, i could just give her her money back or draw her some extra stuff or something, i dont really get to the post office at all really...i guess i could try harder or something...sorry Dx

to which I replied:

You got paid to send art. You cant use the fact that you dont get out much to excuse yourself for not sending what you are paid for. This is called stealing, and this is not right. You need to either send her money back, or send the art. People need to know about artists who steal from their clients, and since this is what you are doing...I will badger you until you fix it. I HATE doing this, because you are one of my favorite talented artists, but what you did was wrong.
The reason I am saying this instead of her, is she has already contacted you about it a number of times.

Ali wrote:
please, stop badgering me, it does not make me respect you or chu tener for letting you say this instead of going to me directly. she should just have asked for her money back a long time ago, i would have given it to her. I apologize again for not being able to send it, but spamming my page to make me look bad is really not the right thing to do. I did complete the work and post it to da, so it's not like she never got to see it. And I think it's really childish and immature of you to make a journal of it too.

I replied:
I don't care if you respect me. She tells me that she DID go to you directly, several times over several MONTHS. She paid for a piece of original art, not an internet copy.

Ali wrote:
Well, if you give me her paypal, I will pay her back.

While she was writing, I wrote:
I will remove the journal entry when you either pay her the money she gave you for the art you never sent, or when you send the art. Childish and immature?
Please sweetheart...Its immature to take peoples money, telling them you will SEND THEM ORIGINAL ART, and then almost a year later, shrug it off like its not a big deal. You can't keep money that you didnt earn without having consequences. I am doing this because Chu is my best friend and a wonderful person and she is too shy to ask for what belongs to her. I will nto stand by and let you do this to her.

More conversations in their entirety, since they get hidden on her journal.
Now, mind you No one told me to spam her page or to harass Ms. Otaku. I feel very strongly that people need to know what they are getting into when they pay her 40 bucks for something that is supposed to be ORIGINAL TANGIBLE ART. I can't get it through my head why Ali-Chan thinks that anything she has done is alright. If you pay for a tangible art piece, you should get it, and not some lame excuse as to why it has not been sent in 7 freaking months. I dont care if you dont drive and you rely on your room mate to take you everywhere. At some point, you go buy groceries. At some point, you go visit family or friends, or you go to work or school, or at some point you go out to eat or buy clothes or household supplies. Even if you only go out of your house once a month to do these things...thats 7 chances youve had to stop by the Post office on the way home. Does your city not have a bus line? Do you not have a bike, or are you not able to use your legs and walk? Are you seriously telling me, that your ONLY access to the outside world is this one stubborn room mate? Tell ya what...next time youre at a grocery store, BUY some stamps. You can stamp the envelope yourself, and stick it in your very OWN mailbox, and raise the little flag that tells the postman theres something that needs to go out. One piece of paper in a manilla envellope wont cost more than 2 dollars to post. You can then feel comfortable keeping the 38 other dollars she paid you. This is simple and you are making so many nonsense excuses as to why you have not posted the mail. I accept none of them, and neither should anyone else. People need to know that if they buy art from you, they will not get it if you tell them you'll mail it.

Here:
ali-chan-otaku said the following:

I'm not trying to prove a point, I'm just trying to get you to stop badgering me. I'm not in the right here, I know I wronged you and i apologize and you DESERVE your money back, and I will give it to you. By not giving me your paypal, I can't pay you back for your trouble, therefore you are just prolonging whatever you're trying to do. Are you the one trying to prove your point? Because I got it the first time you said it, I understand. And I apologized. And offered a resolution. But you can just keep on whining and getting mad, go ahead, that will solve everything. You can either have your money back, or wait for me to mail it, your choice. I am going to bed now, I am done caring about this. It's silly.

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chu-tener said the following:

I've been messaging you this whole time, sadly. Trying to do everything except socially corner you into a resolution - but it didn't work. (What does the timing have to do with anything anyway)

I feel like you're slighting yourself money just to prove a point though.

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ali-chan-otaku said the following:

Well, give me your paypal and I'll send the money and we can forget about it. If you wanted to kick up dust to cause action, you should have done that a loooong time ago, not now.


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chu-tener said the following:

I don't even really know what to say to this... haha. You kind of stumped me on how to react. I guess I'll reply to both of your messages on this one.

A) This is business. If you're being paid for your work then you're in business and at least should act professional even if you don't consider yourself to be. It's not spiteful, alerting potential customers that they may not get everything they purchase. Like I said, this isn't eBay, there aren't any sort of seller rating charts I can provide feedback on..it's completely reasonable as far as I see it. I think that I've been very patient and hesitant to kick up any shit, but when I don't get what I asked for in a fair manner, other people also have a right to know they may be treated the same. (This also puts the necessary social pressure on you to deliver what I asked for or at least bring some resolution to the stagnant situation.) If this were a different situation with you on the other end of it, and money on the line, I think that you would agree with my actions.

B) I understand about not getting a ride to the post office. Shit happens. Life happens. But in the amount of time I spent waiting for my product there had to be an opening, somewhere. Your friend can't be that stubborn. If there was no opening with him then there had to be some opening, somewhere, where you could have walked or taken the bus or biked or were en route with another friend or with parents etc etc etc.

C) I didn't mean offense with my terms of endearment. I regard my closest friends the same way, it's my speech pattern, and I think that you may have seen a similarity with how my friend regarded you as well. It's the way we speak, it's not something thrown at you.

D) I'm not asking for a refund AND the picture, I'm asking for one or the other. I don't appreciate the attitude and you trying to hold it over my head like that. If you'd like to do it that way, we can; either way I'll have either the picture or my money. In the end, it's up to you whether you have the 40 in your pocket or in mine.

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ali-chan-otaku said the following:

If it makes you feel better to know, I did ask my roomate repeatedly to take me to the post office and he didn't. Since I can't drive and he gets me to work when i need it, I decided to stop bugging him about it. I think it is fair to say this, since you mentioned something about 40 dollars being a lot of money for your living situation. Just so you know a little more about my living situation. I'll try to get to the post office as soon as possible, but I can't promise an exact date since I won't be the person driving. And it's not because I just didn't feel like it for you, there are two others who ordered the same thing, but since they got to see it online they didnt cause all this drama. You really dont have to go to the effort to make me look bad so OTHERS dont want my business, trust me, I'm barely getting any business as it is. Really, I make almost no money off my art. It's hard to get commissions. I know you didn't get what you paid for, you should just want your money back, but it's a little ridiculous to try and cause so much trouble for me, it's just plain spiteful. I would not to the same to you. I would move on. Anyways, I do my best to mail it to you. I'm sorry for the inconveniance. I'm not exactly a professional or anything.


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chu-tener said the following:

Love, that's just the thing. I DID ask for my money back. 40 dollars is a lot for me. You don't know my current living situation and how much 40 dollars is to me right now but I can assure you that it's no trifle to "let go of". I love your art so so much and worked so hard to get something of yours. But putting it off and putting it off is really the childish thing in this situation; it's not good as a business person to a customer to do this and as a customer I have the right to good service. I also have the right to place a red flag on you when you are not holding up your reputation as said business person and to let other potential customers know that you do not always hold up your end of the bargain. This is, on my end of the logic spectrum, only right as future potential situations like mine can be avoided...it's business my love...it's what happens when you start selling your work....it's what happens when you don't do what you promised you'd do...and what's worse is, I paid you to do it and you didn't.

I will not take ANY blame for being immature for "not letting go" or "just asking for my money back". That is unreasonable. I will take the blame for having someone else post on your front page about it, I should have done so myself you're right. But in all honesty what happened is I expressed my frustrations and my hesitation to take this a step further and demand what I have the right to as YOUR customer, and she decided to help me out. the tone may have been sharper than I intended but...the message was essentially the same one I would have used...and I would have also posted a journal about it to let people know....that steers me back to the previous point.


I don't want anything disguised as grudging charity as satiation, especially from an artist I admire. I really DON'T want to be a pain on you. I'd rather have this done and over with maybe two months after the order was placed. So no, I don't want anything more...you don't even have to give me those free sketches you promised me..I JUST want what I paid for. So yes, I "really insist" you try to gt to the post office in the next couple of days...because that's what I paid for you to do. There is really no excuse for you to not have had an hour or two in seven months to get this done....and if that is the case then you should not have offered to mail it in the first place.. or told me you wouldn't have the time when I asked you to.


....DA doesn't have a rating system like, say , eBay, with a "90% Great feedback!" or "15% feedback" rating system... your front page is all I have to let people know.... and I'm sorry. I really really am sorry. I hate kicking up this dust. I hate losing your respect as a person and losing my respect for you as a person because of this. ESPECIALLY since you're an artist I aspire to. Demo, maybe not your people skills (...haha)

This is a really shitty situation, so I'm hoping to just get it resolved soon and move forward....ne? Please? even though any attempts to be friends from now on might be discarded, hahahaha

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ali-chan-otaku said the following:

I know it's been a long time, and I apologize for that, and I will pay you back in full, but seriously, telling your friend to spam my page for you is ...it's not the right thing to do. Just because you're making such a big deal out of it, I will offer this once, to make you something brand new for free. You really don't have to cause any more 'internet drama', i can only apologize so many times. Or, if you really insist, I can try really hard to mail you the actual picture within the next couple of days, I just need a ride to the post office. I understand your frustration but ...wow. Seven months, you should have let it go or asked for your money back by now, i would have.


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chu-tener said the following:

I'm bawwin' here man srsly it's been seven months ...
Fuck.
I am trying to hard to get my life together.
I am in school full time, working on my AAOT so I can transfer to Marylhurst to get a Masters in Art Therapy.
I became a hairstylist because I enjoy the fact that a person can come to me, feeling maybe not so hot and they can leave feeling alot better, at least about their appearance.
I want more. I want to help people on a deeper level. I also love art. I spend most of my free time creating art of some form or another.
I have my son every other week, and twice a week I have a 3 hour class in the evenings, usually 6:00 to 8:50. I have asked my daughter, who has decided to drop out of school and be useless in every other way (I know it sounds harsh, but you'll see shortly) to watch Hunter while I am in class those two nights, every other week. Many kids her age get babysitting duties that often or more...I dont think its too much to ask, especially since I have been paying her 5 bucks an hour to do so. (The going rate per child for daycare is 2.50 an hour...shes getting double that)
She did it for a few weeks, and then decided her social life was more important and just wouldnt come home. Shes been smoking pot almost every day, and when she does come home, its to raid the refrigerator and use my washing machine and shower. The whole time shes home, its "fuck this" and "screw you" and yelling about what a terrible parent I am, that I would ask her to follow some simple rules if shes gonna be here...
#1. respect. Be respectful in my home. Do not raise your voice, throw things, or call me or anyone in the house, foul names.
#2 clean up your own messes. (she comes in like a tornado, leaving food out to rot, leaving her dishes in random places instead of sticking them in the dishwasher, leaving a trail of dirty clothes ALL over the house. Leaving makeup scattered all over the bathroom...getting hair dye on the walls, writing in permanent marker on the mirrors, stapling and gluing her artwork on my walls after being asked not to do these things.
#3 get back in school or at least a GED program.
#4 one friend over at a time during the week, (no sleepovers) and two to three may stay on the weekends.

The problem with so many kids staying over, is that I have very limited food money, and they consistently eat 2 weeks worth of my groceries in 2 days. I can't have it.
When I ask her not to let her friends eat here, she says "Whats the big fucking deal mom?" I tried to explain the big fucking deal rationally to her, and she laughs and says..."what the fuck ever".

This is constant and I can't do it anymore. I kicked her out. I told her, when you are ready to come home and follow these 4 simple rules, you are more than welcome to come back, but not until then. She has only been back once, and that was because she had a court date and didnt want to go to JDH.

I called the non emergency police line to ask if I could get in trouble for kicking her out, and they said yes maam, you sure can. They told me I was responsible for her until she turned 18. I told them what was going on, and their suggestion was get her into counseling. She refuses to go to counseling and threatens to leave the state if I force her.

I have no idea what to do with her. I know if I called her in as a runaway, they would just bring her home, and shed be gone the minute they left. I also know she would not pass a UA, and I wonder if theres a way to force a UA on someone. I feel like if she got into JDH, she might be able to get some help.

Theres one part of the shit I'm dealing with.

Part two:
I got fired from my job. A few saturdays ago, my son had gotten sick with H1N1, and I closed the shop 15 minutes early so I could get home to him...
It had been a slow day, and since the boss had let us do that on slow days before, I really didn't think it would be an issue. She came in a week later with my final check. I was her best worker mind you...always cleaning, and never sitting around on the clock, where others would sit and crochet, or knit...I was the best fucking worker she had. I was also the best stylist, which at least she did admit to, she just couldnt afford for me to be closing early.(I only did that one time, and told her it wouldnt happen again) She sent me a certified letter stating that my attendance had been slipping (I was 4 minutes late and 13 minutes late, two days in a row, due to sons illness, but normally, at least 15 minutes early every day). She also said that I had been taking extra long lunches. Twice that week, we had no clients to serve, and I didn't sign back in in an effort to help her save her payroll, which she constantly bitched about. She was constantly reminding us to take long lunches if there werent any clients, to save payroll (so she didnt have to pay us for our full time) which Im certain is illegal, but with the economy, I didnt mind taking an extra 15 for my lunch from time to time. Now she uses it against me.

So, I am now once again unemployed.
I DO have enough financial aid to support us, BUT there was some lag in processing and so I don't get my FALL Finaid, until winter term...(I should be getting them at the same time)
So, January is gonna be fine, but december is SUCKING.
My electricity gets turned off in a few days, as well as my phone, and my internet. My car people let me slide on november payment until the 11th and rent is paid.

Im just trying so fucking hard to get my life together and move forward, but there seem to be so many obstacles.

I'm so stressed out.
I know it will work out, but in the mean time, theres not much to do but panic.

Fuck.
This is the nutshell version.

failing my poetry class.

Shit fuck.
I am having such a hard time, and I really am doing my best, but poetry is killing me.
The amount of homework is ridiculous, and I missed several key things that I needed to finish my work. so the work was not up to par, and I got a 25/100 on it.
I am just freaking out, because I am not a writer. I have not, a way with words, and the online class is SO much more complicated than it should be. FUCK!

fucked up dream

lsd, an invitation taken away. several random stupids, anger, hate, yelling, and being lied to. what a yummy dream.

Regarding the Devil.

Once you've made a deal with her, you can't go back. Right?
She will get what she wants out of the deal, regardless of whether or not you do. In order for you to get your half of the deal, you have to be able to see through the lie. Once you do that, You might just win your deal, but her affection as well.
You can't go back, but you can enjoy her company...warm as it might be. Fate, Gaia, Mars, Mortis, God...even Chronos had their chance. It was the Devil who answered. Apparently, she likes my offer.
And she sits in my hands, spewing out my own soul in images on the paper. I will not likely live, to regret this.

you will never know.

You really will never know what it is that I go through.
You will never understand because you have been programmed to misunderstand in a feeble attempt to help. There is no help. Everything you say, is wrong. You do not know what to say, how to say it or even when to say it. You cannot possibly comprehend what another person lives through, unless you yourself live it. Stop painting on my canvas. Stop telling me my colors are wrong. My colors are just for me. They aren't even for you to see, but sometimes I let you anyway. I try to let you in a little at a time, so as not to overwhelm you with my chaos. Even then...I know Im too much for you. You do not have spare energy enough, to share with me. I do not have patience or desire to reeducate you. All those things you think you know...every last one, is wrong. And to think....it could have been nice. really nice. If only you didn't have to try and fix whats "wrong" with me. Please remember, it is not our place to fix anyone. A person can offer suggestions or point someone where they want to be pointed, but you can NOT fix anyone. Neither can they. There is no fix.
"Reality is an illusion...albeit a persistent one" ~ Albert Einstein.

Do not forget that. There is NO one reality. You cannot fix what isnt yours.

Aug. 19th, 2009

1. YOU HAVE 10 BUCKS AND NEED TO BUY SNACKS AT A GAS STATION. WHAT DO YOU GET?
an iced tea and some chips or cheezy crackers

2. IF YOU WERE REINCARNATED AS SOME SORT OF SEA DWELLING CREATURE, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?
a dolphin.

3. WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE REDHEAD?
ronald mcdonald?


4. WHAT DO YOU ORDER WHEN YOU'RE AT AN IHOP?
i never go there.
5. LAST BOOK YOU READ?
ugh. dont make me read right now, its too much.

7. DESCRIBE YOUR FAVORITE PAIR OF UNDERWEAR?
i prefer sans undies.

8. DESCRIBE THE LAST TIME YOU WERE INJURED.
yesterday, i injured myself.

10. ROCK CONCERT OR SYMPHONY?
at the same time preferably.

11. IF SOMEONE WERE TO BUY YOU A GIFT, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE IT TO BE?
a time machine.

12. SODA?
yes please. Dr. Pepper.

13.FAVORITE FLAVOR OF PUDDING?
vanilla.

14. WHAT TYPE OF SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
im not.

16. IF YOU COULD USE ONLY ONE FORM OF TRANSPORTATION FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
rocket boots.

17. WHAT IS YOUR DEADLY SIN?
entropy.

18. YOU'RE GOING TO PUNCH A MUCH-DESPISED ENEMY, WHERE DO YOU START?
xyphoid process.

19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
qotsa long slow goodbye

20. MOST RECENT MOVIE YOU'VE WATCHED IN A THEATER?
dark knight

21. IF YOU COULD INVENT ONE THING, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
love.

22. NAME AN ACTOR/ACTRESS YOU'VE HAD THE HOTS FOR?
kiefer sutherland

23. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE CITY?
meh..

24. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF CAKE?
birthday cake. one year older, and one day closer to Death.

25. WHAT'S THE FIRST WORD THAT COMES TO MIND RIGHT NOW?
suck ass bullshit.

26. WHAT TYPE OF PET DO YOU HAVE?
cats

28. WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR DINNER LAST NIGHT?
havent eaten in awhile..
29. WHERE HAVE YOU LIVED THE LONGEST?
salem oregon

31. WHAT'S THE LAST THING YOU SAID OUT LOUD?
fuck. me.

32. LOOK TO YOUR LEFT. WHAT DO YOU SEE?
a black wall.
33. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON THAT SPENT $100 ON YOU?
uhm...

34. WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE TENNIS PLAYER?
i hate tennis.

35. WHAT'S THE LAST PIECE OF CLOTHING YOU BOUGHT?
a black tanktop.

36. WHAT HAS BEEN YOUR FAV JOB?
full time nurse to sick suicidal kittens

38. WHO MAKES YOU LAUGH THE MOST?
jacky

39. FUTURE NAMES FOR CHILDREN?
no no no no no. all future children will be quicky disposed of.

40. WHAT ARE YOU CRAVING?
Love.

41. WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?
Nothing.
We're sitting there, He and I...in the void. There is nothing really, aside from some blinking color and distant stars. Floating before us, are 2 canvases, one for each of us. I have my paints, He has his paints...and we begin to make the arts. We each look lovingly at each others art, but theres something on his that I don't care for, so I reach over and "fix" it with my brush and paint. He looks upset, and it makes no sense to me, because the painting is now better than it was before.
But its not my painting. He is broken and doesnt much care to paint anymore. I understand, and I take my paints and canvas as I walk away, whispering to the void....

"I'm sorry. That was your painting...perhaps you did not want a big red bird on your painting, no matter how pretty the bird. I will use care, to not mess up your painting again."

/end dream.
If only everyone could have this dream.
We are all artists of our own magnificent paintings of life.
We would do well to learn to not be spilling our paints all over each others canvases. Just enjoy the art without trying to make it all yours.

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