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Music and emotional attachments

does anyone else ever feel this way?

First of all, music is intensely meaningful to me. Its one of the top 4 things of greatest importance in my life, next to my Partner, my kids and possibly one other thing. When I have an intense experience, and am listening to a piece of music, I place a piece of emotional importance on that piece of music and it never leaves. This makes listening to certain music difficult, especially if the emotional attachment to the music has been severed or broken on the other end of what it was attached to. There are certain songs that I cannot to this day listen to, without feeling an overwhelming grief. That being said, I have an outstanding music library, much of which I can listen to regularly. As much as I love this music, I find it hard to share with people who don't already know it. I have certain bands that I would LOVE to just go around blurting out, but I don't because I feel like the people I want to share it with could not possibly understand the importance the music has for me. I know, this is some sort of psychological barrier, but I honestly don't want to fix it. I like the idea of having certain music that belongs to me, alone. Anyone else ever feel that way about any sort of music or art?

A meme, swiped from Grim

The Rules
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me" or something of an equally pithy nature.
2. I will respond by asking you 5 questions of a very personal nature. Be warned!
3. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions, or there will be trouble.
4. You will include this and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them 5 questions.

Jan. 31st, 2009

10 years ago:
1. I was 23 years old
2. I found someone I thought would always understand me.
3. I had just started at great clips for the first time.
4. I was trying to believe in a god that didn't exist.
5. I loved Candy Rave Techno.

5 years ago:
1. I was a new mom again, and happily married.
2. I had a beautiful golden retriever, cloe.
3. I was living in a nice house in the south hills.
4. I had a best friend, who I thought would never leave.
5. I was with J and in love with P.

1 year ago:
1. I was falling.
2. I was living with my follie a deux.
3. My kids were with their dads.
4. I thought I understood.
5. I knew together was forever.

1. I moved into a friends extra room.
2. I got my new computer fixed.
3. I saw deep sadness and despair in the one I Love.
4. watched V for Vendetta for the first time. All I could think of was /b/ tards.
5. I learned something interesting about a new friend.

5 snacks I like:
1. fruit
2. nutella
3. cashews
4. twinkies (once in awhile)
5. rice krispie treats

5 songs I know all the words to:
1. Sober, by Tool
2. Blue, by A perfect Circle
3. Ein Stuhl in der Holle, by Einsturzende Neubauten
4. Rose Garden Funeral of Sores, by Bauhaus.
5. Lovecats, by the Cure

If I had a million dollars:
1. I would pay off my debt
2. I would have a home built, that would suit Loki and myself...He would have trap doors, and secret entrances.
3. I would donate some to my moms primate rescue foundation
4. I would buy a beautiful dance studio
5. I would pay for my education in cash.

5 things I would never wear:
1. parachute pants
2. 80s power suits with shoulder pads.
3. anything from abercrombie and fitsh
4. anything with the polo logo on it.
5. edible under wear. EW.

5 Favorite TV shows:
2. House, M.D.
3. Dexter
4. Adult Swim
5. "24"

5 bad habits:
1. Procrastinator
2. I smoke
3. I over analyze
4. I love.
5. I'm bossy

5 biggest joys:
1. Kitty
2. Rope
3. Music
4. Dancing
5. Drawing

5 fictional people I want to date:
1. Abbey Sciuto, from NCIS
2. Louis, from Interview with a Vampire...though I do have his qualities in the one I love, and my love is just as unattainable.
3. the Joker, from Batman.
4. angelina jolies character in Hackers.
5. The pretty Dark haired vampire girl in The Lost Boys.


a fun music meme

1. Put your music on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

4 degrees



Land of Rape and Honey

Tangled up in Plaid

I never came



In my eyes, Poly is the situation that happens, when a couple, fall in love with another person, or people TOGETHER. Jan and John meet June...and they EACH fall in love with the others. This has worked for very few very open minded and open loving types. Very rare for happiness to be equal among each, but it CAN happen.

Swinger, is the phenomenon thats also known by me as Dont ask Dont tell syndrome. (which according to my latest study, can possibly be cured with a swift kick to the temporal lobe with a steel toed boot, more research to come) And it is classified by Man marries Woman (or vice versa) and gets tired of the same ol Dick/Pussy and so decides to cheat but cant handle holding secrets,(wimp) so brings it to the partner as a "great idea" "Lets see other people! It will spice up our life"...blah blahblahblah.
Man then gets other woman, and woman goes off to find other man (as always, or vice versa) neither of them bring it together, its a mostly separate thing. (slightly different from wife swapping, though no less repulsive.) Generally speaking, there is a no details allowed rule, and what purpose might this serve? IT KEEPS each other from feeling jealousy. In a poly relationship, jealousy should NEVER be the core feeling. IN fact it really shouldnt be a fringe feeling, or even felt more than .01 percent of the time, and ONLY because sally got a bigger hunk of chocolate in her stocking, NEVER because you think one loves her more than him...Good lord ive ranted.


Oct. 27th, 2008

I can draw my sadness well, but writing is not my particular talent. I was in the mood to write, and nothing but shit ever comes out, so I found the lyrics that expressed what I meant to say.

From the band, Blue October.

I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life vest I'd be stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'

Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
the jetsam sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow (yeah)
Just to prove I knew how (yeah)
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Set front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
into the ocean...end it all

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion (yeah)
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(In to space)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(I thought of just your face)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

a poem.


Am I the type who finally learns
To drown her own children,
The infants that live in her own eyes
Her own head
Who have been ghosts for a long time
Who come out of her dark calavera wells
Screaming in tears?

Have I learned to holler the creek
Listen to the river/ocean/tides?
I can still hear water quiver
From the inside
The echo of when I could still hear it
From the outside

I remember
I could hear children's voices
And understand their words
Now, everything they say sounds like sobs
Water lost laughter
Consonants absent
Long low vowels
I echo
Make harmony with
Make ghost garments flow with the wind off the devil's river
Where we all first saw her face
And confused it with her voice


There are too many children
Always bringing me flowers
Dying fennel
Purple weeds

My mother helped me
Put on my grandmother's
Ten yards of raw silk
Twenty pounds dry
A thousand pounds wet
And I walked into the river for baptism

A paper chain of children followed me
They followed me as I tried to sing prettily
Their arms full of crepe flower memories—
And my skirt billowed out in the rapids
Like the skirts of Angel
of Victoria
of Bridalveil
of Niagara


I let the current have me and I floated on my back because the water was deep
The moonlight showed my bones right through my skin
The children sang witch hymns
Putting their flowers in my Havisham hair
The moon a mirror
The fog smoke
We traveled downward
Toward the Seapulse—

My dress too heavy now!
My shawl drags me down
The moon a mirror
I stare constantly
At my own vain reflection


The children cut into the excess of my skirt
Cinch my waist
Lace my ribs together with
Faded gelatin geographic images
Their dried sea vegetables
Their coins and coils from the Universe

They are crying or singing
I cannot tell
They tie cowries from their hair into mine
They choke me with their dark skinny arms
All hung tight around my neck
Squeezing the black ocean from my stomach up through my mouth
Across my tongue my sinuses my throat and
I cry!


I have the head of Night-mare
And the fins of Sea-horse
And I remember
Getting and giving birth

I say to the child who sits floating
On a chili verde
Balanced and
Not bothered that her mamma's gone
To the cotton and the corn
I say

Please break off a piece of your fire pepper
For me to swallow as I sink
To hold in my mouth like a key when I die
So hot it will make a different kind of cry
So bright it burns my skin rose brown
So that there will be plenty of sunshine in me
When we drown drown drown


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First Entry

Five weeks, five days. If you had told me that long ago, that love was possible, especially love in such a short amount of time, I would have called you a mad bastard. Crazy. I am now so deeply in love that its painful. Not the kind of pain like, owch this really hurts, but the kind of "I have wasted my whole life up to this point, missing this love" sort. This young boy has stolen my heart, and given me his own. He is so dark and so complex. I can't even imagine the whole of it...I've only seen 5 weeks worth, and I'm just absolutely stunned. I can't even find the correct words to write, because its so foreign...and yet SO familiar. *sigh*
It is only going to get deeper. Each time we make love, it not only feels better, but it brings us deeper to each other as well. It's startling, to wake in the middle of the night, having a conversation in our heads. His gaze commands mine, and sometimes steals my breath. I love him. I am SO 12 years old. Actually, I'm 31, and hes 20. Yep, Mrs. Robinson I am.